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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

I am trying my absolute best

by Olivine

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1.
Detritus 01:28
i feel like a suspension bridge holding myself up with tension and anxiety in my bones guess i’ll spend another night alone my heart’s like oceanic crust being pulled down after losing trust i’m buried deep underground compressed by layers of self doubt i’m trying my best to be honest and open but it’s hard when you’ve been completely broken i’m like sequestered carbon getting sunk in bogs and marshes i think i’ll stay here a while so i won’t have to fake a smile will i always feel this lonely? will anyone ever love me? will i always feel this lonely? will anyone ever love me? i’m trying my best to be honest and open but it’s hard when you’ve been completely broken
2.
Come Clean 01:33
i’ve cleaned my sheets repeatedly since you left i can’t get the memories of you out of the threads it’s like you’re woven into every fiber i can’t get rid of you with soap and water even though i wash rinse and repeat it’s like you’re still wrapped around me i detect a linger of your scent a reminder that we were never meant i wash rinse and repeat you’re still wrapped around me i detect your scent a reminder why couldn’t you have just come clean? you should have come clean it’s getting hard to breathe spin cycle making me dizzy trying to wash myself of you delicate setting won’t do this is a heavy burden trying to rid you from me this is a heavy burden trying to rid you no wonder why i always felt like shit around you you’re just a toxic chemical disguised as perfume
3.
Spazone 01:30
bright lights, uncomfortable chairs, name called, and stale air check off lists, answered before, name signed, tally up the score hours pass, patterned floors, name called, and close the door breathe in, breathe out make sure i, have a pulse shove a swab, down my throat take one more, vial of blood write a script, pack up my shit i’m still feeling sick bright lights, uncomfortable chairs, name called, and stale air a new room, looks like the past, a new test, can it be my last? chronic illness, chronic disease i hope this next pill, goes down easy chronic illness, chronic disease i hope this next pill, goes down easy
4.
how can i stay afloat when my lungs are filled with lies that are shoved down my throat my body’s sinking fast now my lungs take their last gasp lower the flag to half mast your grip on me is like a marionette no control i’m just your, puppet i’m just your i’m just your i try to undo the strings but they just keep tightening i feel so trapped your heavy hands like a noose around my neck i try to undo the rope but i’ve lost any sense of hope
5.
Withdrawn 02:08
what am i doing wrong? i’m receiving no, receiving no phone calls no one’s knocking at my door pictures fade, have i changed can anyone remember my face? even when i’m present, i’m stuck on the sidelines at the top of the bleaches, with binoculars on my eyes looking for a way in, looking for a way in, looking for a way in i think i’ll put on my resume “has a talent of pushing everyone away” and “excels at hiding their pain by locking themself inside all day” where do i belong? i’m always so withdrawn, withdrawn no one can get past my guard where has everyone gone, where is everyone? somewhere along the way, i started stacking bricks around me and now i’m trapped, inside this prison i’ve made
6.
Deflection 02:34
you blame it on me, your defensive ways your short responses, and disaffected gaze you blame it on me, tears down my face your sarcastic tone, that creeps in, everyday questioning all of my decisions making me feel like i’m the villain you don’t feel anything when i’m hyperventilating cause you’re always shifting shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting the blame you blame it on me, say i don’t communicate who’s dodging questions, looking for an escape? who’s playing mind games, spewing false claims? how do you not feel shame? act with integrity take accountability have an ounce of empathy what if you were me? did you think i would believe your non-apology? why can’t you say sorry? cause i can’t just sit cause i can’t just sit cause i can’t just sit no i can’t just sit here and be your target from now on your blame will ricochet i won’t let you compromise my day no way

credits

released September 16, 2022

Vocals: Melissa B
Bass: Kendell Hayes
Drums: Mike Harpring
Guitar/effects/programming: Kevin P. Keenan

Written by Melissa B, Kendell Hayes, Mike Harpring, and Kevin P. Keenan.

Produced, engineered, and mixed by Kevin P. Keenan at various locations, 2022. Drums co-engineered by Zachary Fairbrother.
Mastered by Alex Nagle. Mix consultation by Evan Bernard.

Album art by Melissa B and Kevin P. Keenan.

© 2022 Associated Sounds

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Olivine Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Four-Person post-hardcore band. Established 2019, realized 2022.

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